Love You LOTS Mama

Email from Ellie to Mom (Monkey):

i have had a file squirreled away from college that ive never
shown you... mostly by accident, mostly because i was always "saving
it" for a mother's day card (and forgetting to give it to you of
course.) i was originally writing a journal entry called "Meet the
Voices In My Head" about all the women who have influenced me. Just
wanted to share some of it, because 1) I keep forgetting to give it to
you and you should hear it, 2) its nice about you, and you just said
you were feeling kinda down... and 3) i have to reward you for saying
nice things to me like you did in your last email, hehehe.
love you LOTS mama.
:)

Lovable Characteristics:

Energetic. Runs marathons, hikes, throws fundraising parties, and
volunteers.

Tough. I was born while she was in medical school, and my sister Tabie
was born during her residency. My first memory is of her holding my
sister in a rocking chair, crying. I have rarely seen Malm cry. She
has guts. She had a sea kayaking incident in Hawaii that broke several
of her ribs, and she was running, cooking, and generally racing around
before the crackling, broken-bone sound stopped.

Great sense of humor. When Pop sic'd an emu on her, Malm was not
nearly as pissed off as she should have been.

Gourmet Chef. During the years she took off from work, Malm made
everything from scratch. Sweet bread, broccoli soup, and fruit
rollups; tortillas, sushi, and noodles on Mexican, Japanese, and
Italian nights, respectively. She still cooks dinner every night, but
is more likely to buy the starch stuff.  Also - obsessed with beets.

Eccentric. Her childhood family was nutso. She started out life as
Bonita Buchwach, with siblings named Brian, Brett, Brendan, Barbara,
Bruce, and Buzzy by their father Buck. Granted, she's come a long way
to be called Bonnie Swanson, but I think little Bonita is still
trapped in there somewhere. And no, there is no Latina blood--she's
half Russian Jew (father Buck Buchwach) and half old-family, white-as-a-callalily American (mother Elinor
Akers). My middle name also comes from my grandmother's branch of the
family, its Elinor Alden as in John and Priscilla Alden of the
Mayflower.

Loyal. Willing to listen to me whine for hours when I am upset. Family
matters more than anything to her, Malm has got typical mother-bear
syndrome for her cubbies. (Cubby was my nickname as a toddler.)

Independent. I have to call her if I want to talk, she rarely calls
me. Malm is available, but not at the drop of a hat.


Life Lessons:

Keep some money of your own aside, "just in case."

There is no one in life you can depend on in quite the same way that
you can depend on your Mom.

Anything bad that happens to you is only as bad as you let it be, so man up and chin up.

It is better to be happy and single than unhappily married.

The best revenge is a good life.

Cooking a good meal, with love, is a gift of the highest caliber.

Two parents are better than one, for both the parents and the kids.

Sometimes, the smartest thing a smart woman can do, is to be a stay-at-home Mom.


Flaws that make her human:

Quick-tempered.

Malm has never been particularly cuddly, I always wanted just a few
more hugs, praise, and positive reinforcement than I received. But I
always knew she loved me tons, don't get the wrong idea. (I'm a love
bug. No, really--I once was a love bug in a community production, I
had glitter antenna and went all around the audience hugging kids.)


Email from Mama (Monkey) to Ellie:

Ellie, you hit the nail on the head. I could list a few more flaws (and I'm sure you did, heh heh) but it was nice to see my good qualities noticed by you. The voices in my head usually list the stupid, selfish, undesirable traits of mine, and rarely pats on the back. And I'm sure I'm not alone--is that what your voices do? So I think tomorrow during my morning musings I'll list the things I most love about you. I know I'm not supposed to read them afterwards, but it'll help when I next write a letter to you to at least remember them . 

You know, it's funny, but I feel like I admire you SO MUCH lately for sticking with med school even though it is so difficult and mind and soul-numbing. That takes a lot more inner fortitude than just cruising through, studying hard, taking tests and staying in the middle of the pack like most of your classmates.. You've always been extremely sensitive to the inner world, and med school does not HAVE an inner world--everything's external. There's no reflection involved--no time. Anyway, I admire you for keeping your chin up and surviving. I hope your residency experience is better than mine. I was stuck in a specialty that didn't really inspire me, and I knew it, AND I had two adorable young children at home that embodied everything that was pleasurable and meaningful in my life. And I didn't need the money one bit. There I was, staying away often two nights out of three, dealing with very sick people who often died, often in ICU's or CCU's that were windowless and smelled of medications, and didn't allow the natural world to intrude, and were mostly filled with old people who were not heathy even besides their illness--it was like entering Hell to me, night after night after night. And then I'd come home to the Highlands, full of greenery and sunlight, and two healthy cute kids laughing and playing and it was like I was in Heaven. So there I went, passing from light to dark every day, and hating every minute that I was away from Heaven. EXCEPT when I did Ob--I loved that, because bringing new life into the world was heaven to me. Even when it occasionally went wrong, because it generally didn't. I should've gone with my heart. So when you get to the end of med school, go with your heart when you decide what to do, and I'll very much understand,whatever it is. The hardest thing is determining whether it IS your heart, or whether it's just fatigue.

WEll, don't want to keep taking you away from your studies. Oh yeah, one more thing--funny you should send me your musings about my good/bad qualities. John and I did NOT get along very well while I was in California. I was thinking how awful he'd feel if I died suddenly, car accident or whatever, and how he'd feel guilty for the rest of his life for our sometimes harsh words and disagreements. So I thought I should write a letter to him for him to read if I die, in which I tell him that no matter what he says or how angry we get with each other, I KNOW he loves and respects me, so not to feel guilty or bad, that I was the happiest mother in the world and eminently proud of the person he was. So in case I don't get around to actually writing the letter, be sure to tell him, ok? I'd write the same thing to you, but you and I aren't fighting right now. :) 

Gotta go, love you lots,
mama