Thanksgiving Poem

i thank you universe for most this amazing day
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky
and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes
which is love.
bless grandmas
and grandpas
and aunts
and uncles
and cousins
and brothers
and sisters
and mamas and papas
and babysitters
and circus people
and everyone we love...
may they be happy and healthy
and have love in their lives
and heartsight.

- e.e. cummings (with edits)

I Did It Anyways

Email from Dan to Family and Friends:

Hey yall.  As a lot of you know, but many probably don't, I changed my last name to Swanson when I got married.  Kinda weird, I know, but thats what I did.  So, here is my new email address....
daniel . . . @gmail.com
Great awesome fantastico thanks a bunch.
-Dan Swanson

ps Matt I know you told me not to but I did it anyways, hopefully you'll forgive me

No Matter What

Email from Faffy to Ellie:

Hey, Elle,

No matter what you decide, I will still love you.  Just wanted you to know.

Pop

Love You LOTS Mama

Email from Ellie to Mom (Monkey):

i have had a file squirreled away from college that ive never
shown you... mostly by accident, mostly because i was always "saving
it" for a mother's day card (and forgetting to give it to you of
course.) i was originally writing a journal entry called "Meet the
Voices In My Head" about all the women who have influenced me. Just
wanted to share some of it, because 1) I keep forgetting to give it to
you and you should hear it, 2) its nice about you, and you just said
you were feeling kinda down... and 3) i have to reward you for saying
nice things to me like you did in your last email, hehehe.
love you LOTS mama.
:)

Lovable Characteristics:

Energetic. Runs marathons, hikes, throws fundraising parties, and
volunteers.

Tough. I was born while she was in medical school, and my sister Tabie
was born during her residency. My first memory is of her holding my
sister in a rocking chair, crying. I have rarely seen Malm cry. She
has guts. She had a sea kayaking incident in Hawaii that broke several
of her ribs, and she was running, cooking, and generally racing around
before the crackling, broken-bone sound stopped.

Great sense of humor. When Pop sic'd an emu on her, Malm was not
nearly as pissed off as she should have been.

Gourmet Chef. During the years she took off from work, Malm made
everything from scratch. Sweet bread, broccoli soup, and fruit
rollups; tortillas, sushi, and noodles on Mexican, Japanese, and
Italian nights, respectively. She still cooks dinner every night, but
is more likely to buy the starch stuff.  Also - obsessed with beets.

Eccentric. Her childhood family was nutso. She started out life as
Bonita Buchwach, with siblings named Brian, Brett, Brendan, Barbara,
Bruce, and Buzzy by their father Buck. Granted, she's come a long way
to be called Bonnie Swanson, but I think little Bonita is still
trapped in there somewhere. And no, there is no Latina blood--she's
half Russian Jew (father Buck Buchwach) and half old-family, white-as-a-callalily American (mother Elinor
Akers). My middle name also comes from my grandmother's branch of the
family, its Elinor Alden as in John and Priscilla Alden of the
Mayflower.

Loyal. Willing to listen to me whine for hours when I am upset. Family
matters more than anything to her, Malm has got typical mother-bear
syndrome for her cubbies. (Cubby was my nickname as a toddler.)

Independent. I have to call her if I want to talk, she rarely calls
me. Malm is available, but not at the drop of a hat.


Life Lessons:

Keep some money of your own aside, "just in case."

There is no one in life you can depend on in quite the same way that
you can depend on your Mom.

Anything bad that happens to you is only as bad as you let it be, so man up and chin up.

It is better to be happy and single than unhappily married.

The best revenge is a good life.

Cooking a good meal, with love, is a gift of the highest caliber.

Two parents are better than one, for both the parents and the kids.

Sometimes, the smartest thing a smart woman can do, is to be a stay-at-home Mom.


Flaws that make her human:

Quick-tempered.

Malm has never been particularly cuddly, I always wanted just a few
more hugs, praise, and positive reinforcement than I received. But I
always knew she loved me tons, don't get the wrong idea. (I'm a love
bug. No, really--I once was a love bug in a community production, I
had glitter antenna and went all around the audience hugging kids.)


Email from Mama (Monkey) to Ellie:

Ellie, you hit the nail on the head. I could list a few more flaws (and I'm sure you did, heh heh) but it was nice to see my good qualities noticed by you. The voices in my head usually list the stupid, selfish, undesirable traits of mine, and rarely pats on the back. And I'm sure I'm not alone--is that what your voices do? So I think tomorrow during my morning musings I'll list the things I most love about you. I know I'm not supposed to read them afterwards, but it'll help when I next write a letter to you to at least remember them . 

You know, it's funny, but I feel like I admire you SO MUCH lately for sticking with med school even though it is so difficult and mind and soul-numbing. That takes a lot more inner fortitude than just cruising through, studying hard, taking tests and staying in the middle of the pack like most of your classmates.. You've always been extremely sensitive to the inner world, and med school does not HAVE an inner world--everything's external. There's no reflection involved--no time. Anyway, I admire you for keeping your chin up and surviving. I hope your residency experience is better than mine. I was stuck in a specialty that didn't really inspire me, and I knew it, AND I had two adorable young children at home that embodied everything that was pleasurable and meaningful in my life. And I didn't need the money one bit. There I was, staying away often two nights out of three, dealing with very sick people who often died, often in ICU's or CCU's that were windowless and smelled of medications, and didn't allow the natural world to intrude, and were mostly filled with old people who were not heathy even besides their illness--it was like entering Hell to me, night after night after night. And then I'd come home to the Highlands, full of greenery and sunlight, and two healthy cute kids laughing and playing and it was like I was in Heaven. So there I went, passing from light to dark every day, and hating every minute that I was away from Heaven. EXCEPT when I did Ob--I loved that, because bringing new life into the world was heaven to me. Even when it occasionally went wrong, because it generally didn't. I should've gone with my heart. So when you get to the end of med school, go with your heart when you decide what to do, and I'll very much understand,whatever it is. The hardest thing is determining whether it IS your heart, or whether it's just fatigue.

WEll, don't want to keep taking you away from your studies. Oh yeah, one more thing--funny you should send me your musings about my good/bad qualities. John and I did NOT get along very well while I was in California. I was thinking how awful he'd feel if I died suddenly, car accident or whatever, and how he'd feel guilty for the rest of his life for our sometimes harsh words and disagreements. So I thought I should write a letter to him for him to read if I die, in which I tell him that no matter what he says or how angry we get with each other, I KNOW he loves and respects me, so not to feel guilty or bad, that I was the happiest mother in the world and eminently proud of the person he was. So in case I don't get around to actually writing the letter, be sure to tell him, ok? I'd write the same thing to you, but you and I aren't fighting right now. :) 

Gotta go, love you lots,
mama

The Betty Richter Poster That Looked Like Aunt Betty

Email from Ellie to Faffy:

dont know why, but i thought of this poster the other day:

made me sad. :(

we should get a copy of it somehow (if you want.) i actually looked
online briefly, but it was sold out at the two places i looked...
anyway, just wanted to let you know i was thinking re: betty and
missing her.

love you lots,

ellie

Don't Get Excited

Email from Faffy to Ellie:

Hi, Elle,

I'm sending you and Dan some light, medically related reading in a big
envelope.  Nothing special so don't get excited when it comes.

Love,
Pop

You've Been Good For Me

Email from Mom (Monkey) to Ellie:

You've been good for me. You encouraged me to get closer to Annie, and hers is a friendship that I believe will end up being one of the most positive aspects of my life. And you introduced me to a candidate I can actually support, not just vote for because he's "not X". Thanks! 

You know we're going to the island (Annie, Suzanne, and I) on Sept 22-29. Annie suggested we all work on "The Artist's Way", by Cameron. I think you would love it--it's a 12 week (but aspects of it are lifelong) program to help people get more in touch with the creative aspects of their lives. Their are two constant tasks, among other intermittent ones. One is to write, every single morning, three pages--takes about 1/2 hour. YOu're not supposed to edit, or worry about what it actually says--in fact you're not even supposed to re-read it for at least 8 weeks, nor can anyone else read it. It helps empty your mind, kind of like meditation, or get rid of all the distractions and mundane thoughts that flit thru ones mind. Oh yeah, and the other task is to have a weekly "artist's date". That's where you go out with the artist within you--ALONE--no spouses, friends allowed--and do something that the artist within you wants to do. Kind of like "the special days" I used to have with each of you kids. So you can go for a walk on the beach, go to an antique store, create a collage, go for a merry-go-round ride, whatever--just allow the creative child in you to really observe and experience what's going on. Sorry for going on--I just finished my three pages, and I think I got in "the mode" for writing! 

Anyway, you should do it sometime--not now. :) I'm feeling kind of down lately--seeing my mom, feeling so scared and dumb learning how to do medical procedures and ultrasounds amidst all these bright capable people. See, I told you I know exactly how you feel at medical school! But these feelings will pass, or at least lessen, and I'll get better at it. That's the NICE thing about being old---perspective. 

I love you lots, looking forward so much to seeing you guys in October!,
mama

You Are . . .

Email from Dan to Ellie:

you are smart
you are beautiful
you are amazing
you are talented in many ways
you are compassionate
you are passionate
you are make me happy

Fishing in the Dark

fishing in the dark

trolling unfocused fingers

through the internet surf

computer keys

tapping on shoulders

political disagreements

degenerate into Caps Lock

sending ripples through the blogs.

a fish flirts with the wood, mouthing blindly.

I stop to watch a dragonfly nightlight

on ebay

against a background of bottle green blue.

Second Honeymoon Update

Email from Dan to Family:

hey family.  still alive!

after the rainforest place we went down to another tourist town called la Fortuna, where we rode horses to a 210ft waterfall with a swimming hole, found an awesome hot springs place, and went white water rafting on a river with 40 class 3 and 4 rapids.  what a rush.  it left us exhausted and hurting in many various ways.  blisters, cuts, sores, aching muscles, etc.  so we spent 9 hours on the bus to get where we are now... the caribbean coast. its like a different country than the rest of costa rica... well come to think of it, each place we´ve been is like a different WORLD.  here, everyone is really mellow.  the afro caribbean culture predominates here... costa rican rastafarians, if you will.  we found a tiny little town with a very local feel rather than a touristy place.  we are more than happy to hang out in hammocks all day strung between coconut trees reading and relaxing.  i cant beleive how warm the caribbean is.  the waves are actually pretty decent sized, but so far we havent gotten to the beach early enough to avoid the offshore wind that breaks them up too much.  and also i havent found anywhere that rents body boards and fins.  thats okay though.

yesterday we rented 50cc scooters and zipped around the coast, had a picnic of homeade sangria and fresh pineapple.  a local wandering along the beach used his machete to chop open a coconut for us.  its pretty idyllic.

jay, hope your job is going well!

parents, too, i guess!  more than that, i hope you are staying sane with jess around.  we will come deflect some of her angst in a couple weeks.

we are going to explore a forest reserve today.  later!

Dan

Ellie's Honeymoon Update

Email from Ellie to Family and Friends:

alive and okay (great actually).

we're having a blast! dan's lyin on a hammock by the ocean, less than 20 feet from our hotel room (which costs only $20/night, and has a map of costa rica painted on one wall). means the beach is small but the sound effect at night will probably be nice. just got here from the rainforest area, where we went horseback riding to a 180ft waterfall with a swimming hole at the bottom, zip-lining at canopy level, white-water rafting, hiking, etc it was all amazing, but my legs are so sore now i can barely walk. glad we had the "honeymoon" period before that just lounging in the ritzy hotel, cause that really sapped our energy.

i tried to convince dan to adopt this adorable, smart, loving mutt-puppy from our hostel (they had already had her fixed and cleaned up, and she was SO sweet, colors just like a dingo and thats what i wanted to call her) but dan convinved me not to, and he's right--its pretty hard (and silly) to bring a dog back as a souvenir.

everyone pretty much speaks spanish and english, but we're still trying to test our language skills out as much as possible. now we're trying to spend less money, aka hang out in hammocks on the beach for a few days on the caribbean coast. it has a very jamaican feel, lots of african south-americans, coconut shrimp food rather than beans and rice, and everything is cheaper.

rents -- dont worry, dan is guarding our passports and money with an under-the-clothes travel wallet. i keep a little out in the "jesus SAVES!" plastic joke change purse erica gave me so he doesnt have to flash all of our valuables in public. so far so good. :)

alrighty, im going to go. just wanted to let you guys know that we're happy, safe, and relaxed/adventuring, no worries.

love you lots,

ellie

ps the main grocery store in la fortuna, the town near arenal volcano that we just visited, (oh yeah and we went to some amazing hot springs), was named Super Christian 2. i thought that was pretty funny.

:)

love again,

 ellie

Honeymoon Update

Email from Dan to Family and Friends:

yall!
just sayin hi from Costa Rica
I cant believe its been only a week since the wedding... what a whirlwind.
We left the Yacht Club and crashed at a nice little hotel in the U District, slept for 12 hours, woke up, had lunch with the Swansons and then caught a flight to LA, then a redeye to Miami, then flew over Cuba to Costa Rica, tired and exhausted.  We taxid down from the airport to the pacific coast, to a luxurious all inclusive 4 star hotel with a private beach.  I´m not sure what we really did there for 3 days... it involved lots of suntanning aka sunburning, reading in the shade, eating gourmet and I really mean gourmet food, drinking at the 3 bars, smoking hand rolled cigars (being rolled by an imported Cuban man in a round hat in the lobby of the hotel) and in general being waited on like a king and queen.  Well we had enough of that luxury... its exhausting having nothing to do except sleep eat drink smoke and read books... so we hopped in a cab and then a bus and then another bus/cab like thing and drove over a few dozen potholed washboard road and ended up in the cloud forest at the tip top of the world called Monte Verde, where we are about to spend out 3rd night in a nice little backpackers hostel.  Yesterday we went on a ¨canopy tour¨which is pure madness.  They set up platforms in the tops of massive rainforest trees and strung really long cables between them in such a way that you hook a caribeener attached to a pulley on one end and a harness on the other and throw yourself into open air and then soar over/thru/under/between the trees, trying to look to both sides to see the incredible views, down to watch the ground flying by at ridiculous speeds, and ahead to try to figure how to land on the next platform without flying off the other side.  It was incredible.  And you couldnt really fly off the other side but it felt like it.  That went on for a few hours. 
Ellie found a dog in the hostel that she wants to adopt.  Im slowly trying to convince her that its a bad idea.  But it is a really really cute dog.  We named her Dingo.  Right now Ellie is asleep with Dingo curled up next to her. 
Tomorrow we are doing a ¨coffee tour¨of a plantation.  Supposed to be some the best coffee in the world.  I will try to bring yall some.  Then we are heading down the other side of the mountain in a jeep-boat-jeep trip to La Fortuna, where we hope to relax in the famed Tabacon Hot Springs before trying to get to the caribean coast.  travel can be hard during the rainy season. 
Life is hard.
see you in a few weeks!  hope you are enjoying your summers!
Well, thanks for tuning in... and thanks again for making my wedding day memorable and special.  I love you all.
- Dan Wedge Swanson 

ps ellie woke up and informed me that Dingo puked in our bed.  gross!  thats what we get for feeding her half a pack of bologna.

Implications of One Plus One

Implications of one plus one
- Marge Piercy

Sometimes we collide, tectonic plates merging,

continents shoving, crumpling down into the molten

veins of fire deep in the earth and raising

tons of rock into jagged crests of Sierra.

Sometimes your hands drift on me, milkweed's

airy silk, wingtip's feathery caresses,

our lips grazing, a drift of desires gathering

like fog over warm water, thickening to rain.

Sometimes we go to it heartily, digging,

burrowing, grunting, tossing up covers

like loose earth, nosing into the other's

flesh with hot nozzles and wallowing there.

Sometimes we are kids making out, silly

in the quilt, tickling the xylophone spine,

blowing wet jokes, loud as a whole

slumber party bouncing till the bed breaks.

I go round and round you sometimes, scouting,

blundering, seeking a way in, the high boxwood

maze I penetrate running lungs bursting

toward the fountain of green fire at the heart.

Sometimes you open wide as cathedral doors

and yank me inside. Sometimes you slither

into me like a snake into its burrow.

Sometimes you march in with a brass band.

Ten years of fitting our bodies together

and still they sing wild songs in new keys.

It is more and less than love: timing,

chemistry, magic and will and luck.

One plus one equal one, unknowable except

in the moment, not convertible into words,

not explicable or philosophically interesting.

But it is. And it is. And it is. Amen.

Remembering Faye and Edward Weltz

Email from Dan to Ellie:

here's what my mom put together.  she said we can change whatever.

Faye Staff Weltz (1917-1974) and Edward Weltz (1911-1970) loving parents of
Marilyn, grandparents of Jessica Faye, Daniel Eugene, and Edward Julian. 
Kind, warm-hearted, and generous, they cherished family above all else. They
valued study, education, and Judaism. The best parents anyone could have
had. 

Remembering Aunt Betty

Email from Ellie to wedding planner:

We will have flowers in Betty's honor and a memorial card:

Betty Lawrence

My favorite aunt, also known as "Gramma Pinecone," always generous with cinnamon candy and back-scratches. Aunt Betty was one of the kindest, warmest people you could ever hope to meet, she had a 600 watt smile and a cackling laugh. Betty's death, a year ago today, was a tragedy. She left us far too soon. I will remember Aunt Betty with love today, and on every bittersweet anniversary in the future.

Dan's Poem

Email from Dan to Ellie:

here's that poem i wrote for you.  i thought now would be as good of a time as any to give you a copy so you know i won't lose it before i have time to make a fancy copy.

My life was changed one day back in August;

Now I have only half of a closet.

I saw you up there saying something about being a hooker.

My first thought was ‘wow what a looker.’

I knew I probably could never afford you,

And when I said hi, I totally bored you.

That is how this all began,

And now, half closetless, here I am.

Two ‘no’s and two ‘yes’s,

Sleepless nights and thousands of guesses

Of what was false and what was true,

What were my prospects of being with you?

A drunken proposal at the College Inn,

And our romance almost did not begin.

There were false starts and lots of persuasion.

I lost hope on several occasions.

Perseverance, in the end,

Got you to see me as more than a friend.

Our love started small, but got big quick.

Already we’ve been through some thin and some thick.

We’ve built up our love, brick by brick,

Cared for each other as we’ve been sick.

And now there’s an angel in my life,

An Alaskan goddess, to be my wife,

To love and cherish to the end of my days,

A goddess I love in so many ways.

I love you simply, without thought or pride.

I love the thought of you as my bride.

I love you at dusk, I love you at dawn.

I love how you call me your meimei chatan.

I love your kinky curly locks.

When you wink at me, you knock off my socks.

I love that spot behind your ear.

I love that I do not have any fears

That is forty, fifty, sixty years,

With children grown and after our careers

We’ll still have each other, to cherish and love,

I’ll still have you, to think the world of.